It's Okay that Life is Messy with Lisa Sugarman

Today's guest is Lisa Sugarman,  she believe's it’s okay that life is messy…because we’re all a work in progress.

Lisa is a mom, a parenting author, a nationally syndicated humor columnist, a podcast host, creating content that helps empower parents, especially moms, by giving them permission to embrace their imperfections. Lisa is also  a survivor of suicide loss, losing her father at age ten and is a vocal advocate for suicide awareness & prevention. 

Lisa writes the syndicated opinion column “It Is What It Is” and is the author of How to Raise Perfectly Imperfect Kids And Be Ok With It, Untying Parent Anxiety, and LIFE: It Is What It Is.

Lisa is also the co-host of the weekly radio show LIFE Unfiltered on North Shore 104.9FM and a regular contributor on Healthline Parenthood, GrownAndFlown, TODAY Parents, Thrive Global, Care.com, LittleThings, and More Content Now.

Show Notes: https://jenniferpilates.com/the-podcast

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Hi, I'm Jennifer! Empowering You to Be You! I help clients discover their own truths, gain self-empowerment and in-turn transform their lives, Body, Mind and Spirit.

I have been transforming clients body, mind and spirits worldwide for over 20-years as a Celebrity Empowerment Mindset Coach + Trainer, World-Renowned Intuitive Advisor, Writer and Host of the Top-Rated Podcast Host Empowered Within.  I'm a multi-passionate entrepreneur, detail-loving, stubborn-as-heck achiever, unshakeable optimistic, philanthropic, self-care activist, fur-baby momma and ocean loving intuitive-empath. 

From her coaching to training, from her advising to writing, to her top-rated Podcast: Empowered with

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Transcript

1:06

Welcome to Empowered Within a Soul Quenching transformational podcast that will set your soul on fire through candid and inspiring conversations. Leading experts, celebrities, healers, and I share our journeys of how we've overcome challenges to living an empowered life from within. I'm your host, Jennifer Pilates. Welcome to another episode of Empowered Within. Hi there, and welcome to the show. I am so excited to have with us today's guest, Lisa Sugarman. Lisa is a mom, a parenting author, a nationally syndicated humor columnist, and a podcast host creating content that helps empower parents, especially moms, by giving them permission to embrace their imperfections. Lisa is also a survivor of suicide loss. Losing her father at the age of 10 and is a vocal advocate for suicide awareness and prevention. A crisis counselor with the Trevor Project, the largest crisis support network for L G B T Q Youth. Lisa writes the syndicated opinion column. It is what it is, and is the author of How to Raise perfectly Imperfect Kids and be okay with it. Untying Parent Anxiety and Life. It is what? Lisa is also the co-host of the weekly radio show, life Unfiltered on Northshore 1 0 4 0.9 fm, and a regular contributor on Healthline Parenthood Grown and Flown today, parents thrive global care.com. Little things and more content now. Welcome to the show, Lisa. Oh, thanks Jennifer. I'm so glad to be here. Oh, it is such an honor to have you here. A fellow New Englander, an empath. Mm-hmm. I love it. I love it. So tell me, you've had such an incredible journey. Where did it all begin to bring you to whom you are today? Wow, that's a big question. Um, Uh, you know, I, I mean I've always wanted to be a writer my entire life. Um, since my very first memories of wanting to ever do anything, it always kind of focused back toward writing in some capacity. And, you know, I didn't necessarily think from the jump that I wanted to be an author, or a columnist that was never ever on my radar. But, you know, I did like all the little things when I was in school, like, You know, my yearbook and newspaper and that kind of morphed into doing it in college. And I got very heavily involved, uh, with my college newspaper. And right from there just fell in love, fell in love with, with writing and deadlines and capturing the news and what was happening in the world and interacting with people. And, and that just kind of set me on a path. And I worked for newspapers and magazines for years and years and kind of, You know, kind of switched it up into different things with healthcare publishing companies and marketing and different types of more professional writing, different professional writing. And just ultimately landed, um, just landed in this crazy place of writing this, opinion column that's kind of opinion slash humor column That ultimately became my first book and led to a couple of other books and have kind of brought me to this place where, everything that I've experienced as a parent and as a wife and as a working mom, have kind of just jived together in on this platform that I guess I've kind of unintentionally created. So now I just create a lot of content for parents and that's kind of morphed into, mental health and suicide awareness and prevention. And so it all intersects, but that's kind of the short version of the. Yes. And it's such incredible work that you're doing. How did you become an advocate for suicide awareness and prevention? What brought you to that? that, again, that was, that was something that I never expected. I lost my dad when I was 10 years old, so I'm 54 years old now, and I lost my dad when I was 10 and the narrative that was given to me, I'm an only child, and my mom and I are extremely close, and my dad's death was very unexpected, very sudden. And the narrative that I was given way back when I was 10 was that my. passed away from a heart attack and he was, he was a big smoker, so it was not, he was very active, but he was a smoker. So that was not a stretch. It was nothing I ever questioned. And it wasn't until about 35 years later that kind of an accidental conversation with a family member just opened up, I guess, an idea in my mind that maybe my dad did not have a heart attack. I ended up having a very spontaneous conversation with my mom that led me to ask her the question if he had been depressed and if he had taken his life, and she said yes and explained that The reason why she kind of kept that from me was because I was, I was 10 years old. I was an only child. My dad was my person, and my life was completely shattered and she was, you know, doing the one thing that she thought she could do by absorbing that. You know, the additional pain of a suicide. And so that just kind of changed my trajectory, completely changed my professional trajectory, and it made me really passionate about mental health, about advocacy, about connecting people with the resources that they need. We lost a very dear friend of ours to suicide about a year and a half ago, also super sudden and unexpected, and it's a pandemic now. in so many different ways, and it's affecting so many different people, and people still lack the understanding and the resources. And I, I just wanna do whatever part I can to encourage people to get the help that they need and to share the stories that they have, to encourage other people to share their stories because there's strength in that. So that's, that's kind of become my new mission. And how. did it affect your world when you found out later in life as an adult that what you thought was not the narrative? How did that impact your life and how you were dealing with things emotionally? You know, it, it changed so much for me on so many different levels. I mean, first and foremost, I think it changed my perception of suicide. I mean, everybody has their own internal. narrative and story and understanding and feeling of, of what something you know as triggering a suicide means to them. And for me, I just always felt like it was a very selfish act, which is a very, very typical common mindset around suicide. And it wasn't until. you know, I really started kind of doing a deep dive into where people's emotional states are when they're in that place, and how absent they are of any consideration for anybody else in their life, their family, their coworkers, their friends, you know, their responsibilities. It's all about relieving the, the pain that. that they're in and it's not about anything else. And it just really kind of transformed my thinking about about suicide, and I no longer believed that it was something that was selfish. I believed that it was an illness, which is exactly what it is, you know, in its simplest. Form, it's an illness, like a cancer, like a heart disease, and you would never fault somebody for those things. So you would certainly never fault anybody for having mental illness as well. And you know, that, that was transformative for me. And, you know, I also have, a daughter who, who has struggled with some mental illness, who has done incredible work on herself and through, you know, therapy and through medication and through just kind of rewiring. her own thinking has made these incredible, strides in her life and is a better version of herself than I've ever seen. And, you know, it's, so it's changed my perception on so many different levels. And first and foremost, I guess it's really just made me want to put my story out. in the hopes that it will,, encourage other people to start talking because it's when you start talking and you start having these conversations that connect you with people that make everybody else's experiences seem less isolating. Like that's when healing happens. That's when you feel surrounded and supported and that's how you can move through it. So that's, that's. what it's meant to me.. That is it. It's so beautiful the way that you're sharing and shedding the light, and I'm so grateful to hear that your daughter, has been able to move forward in her way and to get the help. And thank goodness that you've already, were a part of organization, so seeing mm-hmm. some red flags and, and bringing that. Now, mirroring that with your parenting aspect of life. Are there red flags? Are there certain things that you feel that could tip parents off a little bit? There's something that's we need to look at here, in our children, whether that be just because they're having, more of an emotional problem or maybe it is something deeper. Yeah. I mean, I think it's so, it's so situational, you know what I mean? It's, it really has an awful lot to do with the family dynamic. It has to do with, your, your child and where they are in their life and their age and their, the, the stage of life. Are they a, a young child? Are they in high school or college or beyond, or older? Like mine, you know, my kids are 22 and 20, almost 20. you know, and so they experience different things at different times. Obviously. I, think that, there are some pretty standard red flags, like isolation. If you're noticing that your child is growing more isolated, or more disconnected from you or from, or from their life, or, you know, they're, you know, maybe they're lacking motivation in ways that you've never seen or. you know, maybe little things, little triggers, like maybe their appearance is different. Maybe they're not caring as much about what they do or how they look or, what people think. I mean, tho those are, you know, those are kind of typical red flags and those are the things that should spark conversation. I mean, I'm always checking in with my kids and, and we are really, really fortunate that we, we all as a family of four, have a really tight relationship. We have a really strong. Bond with each other and we're, everybody's very, very open with each other. And you know, I mean, I think, I think it starts with those conversations like, are you okay? Mm-hmm. like, what do you need? How can I help? I mean, those are super simple things to say, but they're really powerful when. your kids are hearing them from you and you're sincere and you wanna know we're, we're always barking at our kids. We're always, you know, the ones kind of preaching and up on the soapbox and, and that sort of thing. So our kids kind of get used to hearing that from us. So it's kind of like that's the dynamic and when you flip it to the other, you know, to the other direction and you're like, what do you need from me? Like, what's going on with you? How can I help you? Um, you know, talk to me. Even something that simple can be very game changing when your kids are struggl. Absolutely. And now tell me how does the Trevor Project come into play? When were you introduced to this and how are you working within this organization now? So the Trevor Project, I, and you, you, you said it so beautifully, is the, you know, it's the largest. Crisis Support network for, at risk L G B LGBTQ youth, ages 13 to 24. And it, for me, I'm not really sure. People have asked me before where I learned of the Trevor Project and I'm, I'm honestly not sure where that came from. They fell on my radar somehow several years ago. I was very intrigued by the work that they were doing. It's probably around the time that I really started openly talking about my dad's suicide. I mean, I found out about 10 years ago that he had actually in fact, taken his life, and it wasn't a heart attack. It took me a long time, like there was a massive. Kind of cycle of, um, mourning and re grieving everything and processing everything and acclimating to what the kind of the truth was of his death. So it, it took me a while before, you know, I was really comfortable talking about it. As a suicide. And then that's once I started, I just didn't wanna stop because it was so impactful for people to hear the truth. And so there was that piece of it. So suicide was already on my radar. And you know, Trevor Project does an incredible amount of work, um, you know, with people who are in crisis, people who are, you know, at imminent or high risk of suicide. The other intersecting piece for me was the L g LGBTQ piece. So my, my oldest daughter, Is bisexual and came out as bisexual when she was in college. And I'm actually pansexual and I came out as pansexual not even two years ago. As you know, a married wife, my husband Dave, and I'll celebrate our 30th wedding anniversary. We've been together almost 40 years and I was inspired by my daughters coming out to kind of own my own sexuality and that, you know, was something that I could no longer in good conscience as the mom of a queer child. I could no longer know this about myself and not support and, be a part of this community in more than just an ally capacity. Like it needs representation. So I felt like it was important for me to come out. So now all of a sudden, I was a part of this community, and Trevor Project is geared toward l LGBTQ youth. Suicide prevention and awareness and so many other things. So because all of the work I started doing started focusing on kind of those, those buckets, it just, it was a no-brainer for me to wanna get involved and wanna help out and, and try and see if I could become a counselor. And so I did, and I went through the four month long process of, studying with them and learning with them, you know, their crisis models and became a counselor and I've. on the phones actively for about six months. That's wonderful. And I wanna thank you for so many people and parents and sisters and brothers out there for all of the people that you're helping. It's wonderful what you're doing. I appreciate that. I appreciate that a lot. It's a, you know, it's a gift to me. I mean, my, my own mom, when she found out that I was going to do this was both concerned. So it was my, so it was my family, my husband and my girls were also concerned because, you know, like you and I had talked about a little while ago, we're both very, very traditional empaths. Like I feel all the vibrations, I feel everything. and one of the things I really enjoy is holding space for the people in my life. And sometimes that can be hard because it's hard to, to kind of separate your stuff from their stuff when you feel it so deeply. And they were worried that I was, you know, not gonna be able to be okay being confronted with, you know, such intense situations. But, my mom, you know, once, once I assured everybody, including her, that I would be, you know, I'd be okay, and I, I knew what my limitations were. She's like, all you have to do is help one person. Like, I'm so grateful you have this opportunity. All you have to do is help one person. And in her mind, you know, she's thinking about my dad, like, you know, kind of one door closes, another opens, you know, one person can't be helped another can. So, that's just how I, I think of it. It's, you know, every opportunity I can to help someone is a gift. It is a true gift, and I appreciate how you're speaking of being an empath and how important that is. And I'm wondering, as a fellow empath, how are you practicing and taking care of yourself and setting healthy boundaries in this very. situation that you want to walk into and help people, because I'm sure there are other unpass whose ears just perked up and said, oh my gosh. I would love to do that, but I don't know how that, I could walk into that. How has that process been for you? You know what, it, it's definitely a work in progress and you know, it, it started from a place of. very deliberate intention. Like, okay, I, I live and work like my husband and I, I'm right now in the office that we share in, in our house. And so I don't get away from work. I'm al I'm always kind of in, in the place where I live and work and they, they merge. So I really have to create spaces that take me out of the workplace. I've been. practicing yoga and meditation for like decades and as a very, very big part of my life. And it's something that I've leaned into really, really heavily as I have, you know, kind of built up this crisis counselor part of my life because, you know, you're no good to anybody. If you're no good to yourself, it's, you know, it's the old like oxygen mask in the. philosophy. If you can't help yourself, you can't help anyone around you. And so I mean, I've really leaned heavily into kind of getting centered and kind of detaching in some ways and just staying grounded as much as I can. I journal every day. That's another part of my practice. So you know, the stuff that maybe gets a little too cumbersome in my head, I just kind of get it out that way and kind of reconcile with it on paper. And the Trevor Project, I have to say is amazing in terms of prioritizing the health and wellbeing of their counselors and of their support staff. Like there is always a way to debrief with someone immediately if you're in a situation that's, you know, super intense. I mean, you could, you could get on the phone with someone and you know, they're at imminent risk of harming themselves, and you could be on the phone with that person for four hours and it's. touch and go at times, and it's very draining and it's super intense. But they're, they're also there to support in every way. And, it's just nice to know that you have that kind of support. So all of those things combined have allowed me to really kind of stay in a grounded place when I'm doing what I'm doing. So far, so. That's wonderful. I'm so happy that you have shared that because I know that there are so many empass out there that feel disempowered with their gifts and to share how you are able to empower yourself and thus help to empower other people in a very, very critical moment of their life is incredibly amazing. You know, it took a lot of, took a a lot of conscious work on my part. I mean, I went through a period of time. Probably about 10 years ago when I hadn't really started writing my column and I hadn't written any books and I, I hadn't begun the work that I'm, that I've been doing, you know, the last decade I really got overwhelmed by my. like high sensitivity. And I don't know if you've ever felt this way, and I'm sure people who are listening definitely, who are empaths probably have moments where they feel like this, where it's just like, it's just so, it's so heavy. Like you just wanna shut it off. You just sometimes want, people wanna be a bitch and not care. like sometimes, you know, and be like, I don't wanna feel this as deeply as I do. and this isn't even my stuff, like sometimes, you know, it's one thing to feel your own stuff, but it's another thing to feel someone else's stuff equally as heavily, and it's hard and I, I really felt at times like it was kind of a burden, a little bit of a curse. And then kind of serendipitously I started writing and. Career had always been, I was a writer in some capacity, but I took a big chunk of time off when I, stayed home to raise our girls. And it was then that I started contributing to my local paper and that just kind of like lit on fire and became like all the local newspapers in the country and then, you know, went in great places from there. And so all of a sudden I was, you know, doing this thing that allowed me to tap into all of the feelings that I'm constantly feeling and express them. be connected to them and share them, and people were really responding to them in beautiful ways and it just inspired me to keep doing it. And keep doing it. And. It just kind of transformed everything for me. Like my mindset on all of it. I was like, no, no, no, this isn't a burden, this is a gift. Like I get to feel these things so deeply and at the same time express them and people get to connect with them. So, I don't know if you've ever had that kind of experience where you're like, no, no. this is, this isn't a bad thing, this is a good thing, but that was the way it was for me. I agree. Yes, I've gotten that way. I went through the stages where I couldn't decide if it was a curse or a blessing, and then I found the more healing that I did on myself. The more empowered I became and the less I was just picking up everything else. And now it's a specific, if I'm tuning into something, then yes. Yes. And now every once in a while, of course, you know, the collective energy and the earth and the solar flares, I do feel it all. Some of that just comes now and again, but generally like walking into a group of. I don't feel what I used to feel. And I do believe that that's part of that self-healing. When you're healing yourself, you're no longer pulling all of this stuff that needs to be healed to you, right? Because it's, it's really trying to open up your eyes to the wounds that we have and what needs to be healed. And so it sounds like you're doing a wonderful, beautiful job of that as well. Trying. Definitely trying and, you know, and definitely seeing. some big gains in just changing that mindset. So, I feel like I'm in a good place right now, which, which feels good. And it's always, we're always learning and growing as empaths because just as we think we've got one thing down, right, yeah. Something else pops up. That's the beauty of it as well. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Oh my goodness. I love it. So let me ask you, we're getting to this time in the show, Lisa, where I ask you this one question. Yeah. What is one thing that no one knows about you? Oh my God. Um, what is one thing that no one knows about me? Let's see. I love movement. It's one of. My favorite ways to connect with the world around me. I'm a big like paddle boarder and snowboarder and skier and I run quite a bit. So only the people in my kind of immediate community know that. I get up very early in the mornings and I drive into Boston, which is. 30 minutes north of where I live and I work out with a bunch of crazy fitness yahoos. We climb the stairs at Harvard Stadium at five o'clock in the morning, five 30 in the morning, and run around the city of Boston. it is some of my most favorite time in the day because I get to act like a 10 year old girl running around with her friends, like on the playground and. only the people that I do that with are usually the ones who know that I do that Most people don't know that I do that. So it's kind of like the little, the little hidden secret. I love this secret. I'm imagining it. I lived right in the back bay by the Prudential Center. Yeah. So I'm just like with you right now. I'm like, oh, to run through this city, especially so early in the morning, what an incredible opportunity and what a beautiful way to start your. Yeah. It really is something special. I've been doing this, pretty religiously for about the last six years with this group. That's actually a, a free fitness movement around the globe. It's everywhere around the globe that originated in Boston and. You know, there's just nothing like watching the sun come up from inside Harvard Stadium with, you know, 200 other people slogging up and down the stairs with you. It's a special feeling that's very special. Oh, thank you for sharing that. Oh, that sounds so amazing. And Lisa, will you share with our community where they can best connect with. Yeah, of course. You can always absolutely find me through my website and that's just lisa sugarman.com. You can check out, my books, my column, I've been, Great podcasts that I've been on, like this one. You can. Connect with me, chat with me, reach out to me in any of those places. Wonderful. thank you so much for that. And of course, all of Lisa's contact information will be over in the show notes@jenniferpilates.com as we close out the show. Lisa, do you have one last piece of inspiration that you'd like to leave with us today? I think I would just say don't be so stuck on. the idea of who you think you should be. Be more open to the idea of who you are right now and celebrate that and allow that to be kind of a fluid work in progress. Because the more open that we stay to the opportunities around us and the world around us and the connections around us, I think. the more authentically us we're going to end up being and the better our journey is gonna be in hand. I have goosebumps. Beautiful. Thank you, Lisa. That was amazing. Thank you. Thank you so much for taking the time today to be on the show and sharing your incredible journey and all of your insights with us. I so appreci. Oh, thanks Jennifer. I just, I had a ball. I'm so glad that we got to share some time and space. Me too. Well, as we say, until next time, may you live an empowered life from within. Thank you so much for tuning into another episode. Please remember to rate, review, and subscribe to Empowered Within with Jennifer Pilates. Your feedback is important. It helps me to connect with you and gives me insight into who you are and what you're enjoying about the show. For today's show, notes and discount codes from today's. Head over to jennifer pilates.com. Until next time, may you live an empowered life from within.